I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad