I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation