i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My dad teaching me to drive
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time