I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Not today.. 😂
drew a comic about my origin story
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee