I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.