I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother