I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
oh shit
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down