I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy