I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs