I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
thinking about a very short hotdog
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”