I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
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You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
one last job
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Still cracks me up
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
? 💀
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.