I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
You Might Also Like
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Seems kinda suspicious
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
shampoo implies shampee
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Sing it!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.