I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.