I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work