I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Your secret is safeish with me
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,