I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Yup
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare