I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Great Canadian literature.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket