i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
THE AUDACITY. 😤
