i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
scenes of unspeakable carnage
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
🍞🦆
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows