I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick