@WheelTod [Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
@LizHackett I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
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@WheelTod 
@BigJDubz Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
@_davidlucas_ There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
@BatBatshitcrazy I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
@Try2StopME *washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
@kevinthedad My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
@FavoritesYou Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
@ShittyComedian How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
@CAshmanActor People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
@Cpin42 Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..