I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas