I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Just me and my debit card against the world
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.