I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.