I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You Might Also Like
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.