I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.


Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind


GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”


GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”


I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.


“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”


It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.


Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.


Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.


“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.