I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
You Might Also Like
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE