I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
this chia pet tastes awful
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
When libraries troll their patrons.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names