I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.