I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.