I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
All set.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.