I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”