I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
You Might Also Like
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*