I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher