@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

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@rockymomax

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

@FatherWithTwins

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@Trisarahjtops

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

@GrantTanaka

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

@OakHill_

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

@jp_mcdade

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

@SortaBad

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

@3sunzzz

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

@JohnLyonTweets

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.