I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]