I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?


Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.


Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work


before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother


‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic


Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.


me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice


I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?



My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.