@cjwerleman
@rockymomax [adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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@rockymomax 
@FatherWithTwins *young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
@DothTheDoth Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
@Trisarahjtops Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
@GrantTanaka before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
@OakHill_ ‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
@jp_mcdade Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
@SortaBad me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
@3sunzzz I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
@JohnLyonTweets My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.