I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Noah
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.