I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.