I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
RT if you could go either way.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny