I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
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[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.