I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Meow
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.