I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’M CRYINGGG
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
my fav colour is also hitler
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Need WebMD