I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
You Might Also Like
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.