Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

How much does it cost to keep chickens?

About a buckahhhh week

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Oh deer

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question