I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
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Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
You learn something every day
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?