I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week