I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
You Might Also Like
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.