I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”