@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

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@PaperWash

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

@CherBear162

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

@MrOrenWagner

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@karlainvt

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]

19.98

[very gently]

19.99

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

37.83

GODDAMMIT

@broken_rhi

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

@RickAaron

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@iwearaonesie

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”