@PaperWash I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
@LostCatDog I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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@PaperWash 
@CherBear162 I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
@MrOrenWagner I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
@karlainvt When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
@TeaAndCopy [Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
@broken_rhi I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
@RickAaron Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
@BradBroaddus My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
@SomeChrisTweets HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
@iwearaonesie Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”