I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You Might Also Like
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
what’s the point then??
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I hope this email finds you in a well
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.