I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.