I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Did I do this right
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters