I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody