I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
🤣😂
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend