I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
adding to the discourse
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.