I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The pen is writier than the sword.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!