@ohhelloitsmax

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

You Might Also Like

@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

@ItsAndyRyan

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

@LIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@Brianhopecomedy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.