The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.